UPDATE 4/18/2017: This relationship is no longer a thing. I decided to keep the post up just because reading back over it I personally think it was beautiful. I also think that throughout your life you have many experiences that help shape your tomorrow, this was one of them. So to keep it up isn’t to dwell on what could have been, but on what was and appreciating it just for that. Happy Reading 🙂
Why is it so easy to pack your bags and leave home, but so hard to pack your bags and go home? I feel like only a few will get what I mean. I’ve vacationed with friends who have counted down the days to returning home and I, the complete opposite. I think the only time I’ve ever counted down to returning home was leaving my temporary home in Milan ( because of a shitty situation I was in). But even still, I didn’t want to leave Milan, I just needed comfort. I lost my wallet, was still in search of a new apartment, quit my job,… and I’m not sure which straw broke the camel’s back, but I was broken. But… that is another story for another day.
Today, I pack my bags to leave Germany. A lot of reasons factor into why its hard to go back to my life in the states. Mainly because I find myself starting a life here. Which is starting to be true for every adventure I go on. I’m starting to create a home on whatever soil I step on. It is great, don’t get me wrong. I have made genuine connections with people from all over, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.
One of those connections is my new boyfriend, we’ll call him K. Its hard to break away from a strong connection. Last night I found myself crying because I knew it would be a couple of months before I saw him again. I have never traveled in hopes of finding love. Even when in Italy, I dated dreamy Italian men, but didn’t lose any sleep when I left ( if you’re reading this, sorry). This time is different. Really different. Still trying to put my finger on what exactly is so different, but the vibe just is. I couldn’t begin to explain it, all I know is that I like the way I feel when I’m with K, and its sad to know that I wont have those feelings for a few more months. So I cried a river but not for Justin, for K.
And maybe crying isn’t a big deal to you, but I’m not one of those girls that cry. I rarely even get emotional. With anything. I barely know how to console my friends when they start crying, so I had no idea how to console myself. I ended up crying myself to sleep. Which, by the way, I do not recommend! Unless you’re going for that whole swollen puffy eye look the next morning.
Now, I am sitting here on the bed, packing, eyes still swollen. Thinking about if this relationship will survive the distance? Will we both remain committed and faithful? When is the next time I can take off work and visit? Are all of my exits going to be dramatic shorts featuring tears? Or will it get easier?
I know that last paragraphs may have frightened some of you. I am not here to assist you in doubting your relationship, because I don’t doubt mine. Yes we are crazy for falling in like/love with people from miles away, but who doesn’t like getting on a plane and finding a familiar face when you land? I can’t see the future, nor can I say that we will make it. I just know that we will try, and thats more than enough for me to keep going. Of course I hate the idea of not being able to just call him up in the middle of the night to cuddle or holding his hand while walking down the street. But these are also things that I took for granted dating people that lived within a 10 mile radius of me. And because I miss it so much, its more vivid in my head than ever. I miss how when I say something dumb or cute ( K can be the judge) he puts his hands on my cheeks and calls me beautiful. I miss how when he comes home from practice he’s so excited to see me lounging on the couch. I miss how we get into little arguments, mainly because I was hormonal and menstruating, but he still laughs at me and understands that my mood swings are temporary. I miss watching OITNB before going to bed and laying in his arms. I miss the little forehead kisses he gives me in between the boring scenes. I miss him holding my hand while driving, followed by more random hand kisses. I miss how he finishes all my food, which is perfect because I want to be on a diet anyway. Ha. I miss a lot of things.
Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? Hell, is being in a long distance relationship even something a sane person agrees to? While I may ask a lot of questions, its only because I don’t know. But there are a few things that I am sure of, and K, if you’re still reading this, I still have faith in us.